Breaking News: Obama Announces New Initiative To Fix Obamacare

In light of the abject failure so far of the rollout of Obamacare, the signature achievement of his presidency, President Obama today announced that he will be taking a new tack to ensure help reverse the problem. Speaking before reporters in the Rose Garden, Obama declared,"Starting today, wherever I go, I will tirelessly give speeches about Obamacare until everyone in America has affordable health insurance. And by affordable, I mean insurance plans that mandate that come with higher premiums and deductibles, reduce access to physician because the plans have bumped your doctors from their networks, offer single males comprehensive maternity care coverage and fully insured access to mammograms, offer people who have never abused drugs or alcohol coverage for the addictions they don't have, and offer the millions of Americans who choose not to use pharmaceutical drugs because of the many safer and far less expensive natural options out there-not to mention the fact that such drugs kill over 100,000 people every year and cause another two million more to be hospitalized-have comprehensive drug coverage.

"Never mind about keeping your plan if you like it. That's no longer important. What's important is having the type of coverage that I and my advisors - the lobbyists for Big Pharma, Big Insurance, Big Hospital and other special interest groups whose profits are now soaring because of my landmark legislation - which is so popular that people now refer to it by my name - have deemed to be in your best interests. Trust me, we enacted the Abominably Craven Act for your own good! So it is that I am proud to stand before the American people today to let them know that I will now unceasingly blow hot air up everyone's asses and continue to deflect blame onto Sebelius, my campaign donor cronies and Michelle's friend's company to whom I've allocated hundreds of millions of dollars to create the ACA's state-of-the-art website that on its first day of operation saw over 4.7 million Americans visit it and an enrollment of 6 Americans within its first 24 hours of being online, thus shattering every record for lowest conversion rate in history! Be proud, America! For you can be assured that, as I continue to speechify, while simultaneously ducking all responsibility for everything that happens under my administration, my aides and I will be doing everything we can to foster media attention of newsworthy stories that deflect attention away from me and my nonachievements as president.

"Yes, that's right. Right now my staff is reaching out to Miley Cyrus, the Kardashians, and any and all other publicity whores, ahem...hahaha...I mean groundbreaking movers and shakers ready to take up the cause. Haha...Did you see what I did there? Movers and shakers? That was me being sophisticated and alluding to twerking. Because, as president, it is my solemn duty to keep abreast of current events. See what I did there? Abreast? Trust me, Bill Clinton's got nothing on me! I am the first real black president, after all, and let's all forget that my mother is white, meaning I am also a white American, but let's not go there, since fostering racial unrest is crucial to the success of my plan for America.

"Now, back to the Asinine Crud Act, let me be clear. I shall not rest until the media does it's job and returns to subserviently kissing my ass 24/7 and starts running stories about the grand success this historic legislation is. For instance, no other law has ever directly caused 85 percent of all physicians, and an almost equal number of nurses, to seriously consider leaving their professions precisely at the time that our nation's incidence of disease has been at its highest. And while it is true that Medicare caused medical expenses in the US to rise by 60% within its first few years of enactment, I can assure you that these cost increases will be like candlelight to the sun once everything within the Assbackwards Catastrophe Act is fully implemented. It may take some time, but I can promise you that I am bringing the same degree of initiative to this issue that I've given to restoring our economy, ending the nightmare years of the Bush surveillance state, closing Guantanamo and so forth. As a result of my attention to these areas, the average American today is actually worse off than during the years immediately following the Great Recession, the NSA is now eavesdropping on every single person with access to a phone or the Internet, and Guantanamo is...well, that's still open, but...haha...as we all know, that's Bush's fault and if you disagree, you're a racist. Now, then, if you excuse me, I'm late for another fundraiser, but I promise you, I have a lot more speeches within me and I will not rest until I've given every single one of them. And, in closing, let me just send a shout out to those folks who manufactured and maintain my teleprompter. Can you imagine if that task had been assigned to the people creating the healthcare.gov website!?! But seriously...let me be clear...um...ah...um...uh..."